as the moon wanes, just let go...
posted at 12:26 PM

As the beautiful full moon retreats back into the shadows of the night, so too we shall shed ourselves of all negative energies and old issues...
The common theme of many conversations over the past few days have been about "letting go"...
What should we let go of?
Let go of low self-esteems...
Let go of unwarranted anxieties...
Let go of all expectations...
Let go of old loves... and old hates...
Let go of old habits and old issues...
Just let go... or as Alex To sang in his latest hit...
"脱掉! 脱掉! 脱掉!"
But how can we surrender our fears and problems?
It is not as easy as shedding old layers or clearing clutter (even that is an immense task, I should know!) ...
It certainly takes a heavy combination of commitment, time, and also, much confidence and courage...
Perhaps, it is only through FAITH that we can truly break our protective shields... only when we don't allow our egos and minds to interfere with the path that the Heavens has planned for us, can we finally realise and appreciate what a scenic route it actually is...
As the saying goes...
"Let go... and let God!"
And as our favourite phrase in Reiki Tummo goes...
"Relax, Smile, Surrender and Enjoy!!!"
[ Feeling... * contemplative * ]
[ Reading... * Agatha Christie-Nemesis * ]
[ Listening to... * Alex To-脱掉! * ]

caring to the very end...
posted at 01:03 AM

The above is a phrase taken from the brochure for Dover Park Hospice, where my dad transfered to after over a week's stay in NUH...
Today has become a reunion of sorts for my family... with me and my younger siblings accompanying our dad to his new "home", where he is very likely to stay for the rest of his life...
Dover Park Hospice, or 托福园, is a nice little charity hospital that looks after patients with incurable illnesses and a life-expectancy of less than three months...
It's Mission Statement goes...
"To Provide Comfort, Relief of Symptoms and Palliative Care to Patients with Advanced Disease Regardless of Age, Race or Religion and to support the Grieving Families"...
My dad will be staying at Level 2, Bed 25, for anyone who wishes to send blessings...
The environment is pretty comfortable and less clinical than a government hospital, and seems much more conducive for patients...
My dad gets to "enjoy", among other basic facilities, a tv set near his bed, an individual fan and a window with a garden view, as well as a library and a lovely koi pond in the hospice...
Also, there will be regular volunteers who will bring the mobile patients out for excursions as well as provide hairdressing services etc...
But the most comforting aspect of this place is that we've found the nurses and staff to be most caring and understanding of the needs of patients such as my dad...
[ Feeling... * contemplative * ]

where is the magic...
posted at 03:11 AM

Started the day badly, woke up with a fever and sounded like a sawmill, and had to rush off to the dance audition for "Magic of Love", a local magic-musical production that is touring all over world again next year....
Halfway through the audition, my body was so burning hot that I almost threw up, and my contact lenses started drying up too, so I couldn't see the choreography clearly...
When I couldn't take it anymore, I told the choreographer, Eric, that I got to leave and shouldn't waste his time...
Spent a couple of hours at home after that feeling sorry for myself, and drinking Tonic Water to bring down my fever... before running out again for my next show...
For "The Magic Paintbrush", the show will end pretty soon too, with the final two performances tomorrow at 3pm and 6pm respectively... I'm happy that Justin and Liting are planning to watch the last show...
Well anyway... I guess I'm running out of "Magic"...
After the afternoon show, I took a walk over to Inland Revenue House to get my Income Tax Statement, then made my way to Dover Park Hospice to visit my dad...
Found him transferred to Bed 32, which is a single-bed room... the nursing staff explained why my dad needs to be moved... which makes me even sadder...
At least now he can enjoy the room and TV and fan all to himself, and since his room is directly facing the nurse counter, he will be closely monitored by the staff...
Dad himself is in a physically weaker state... his entire lower jaw is swollen and distorted and today he couldn't get up from his wheelchair at all, he was so exhausted...
I really don't know what I can do to make him suffer less... except praying and praying for maybe some "magic" or "miracle" to happen...
After leaving him still half asleep in his wheelchair, I made my way over to Chinatown for a rehearsal with the OmniArts Troupers, a group of youngsters that I'm teaching in singing... spent a bit of time with them practicing one of their songs al fresco at the URA Centre...
I think they are quite ready to perform this Friday, 3rd Dec 04, at the Buddhist event (a concert and ground blessings for Buddha Tooth Relic Temple) at the field between Maxwell Market and Kreta Ayer Market...
Do come by to watch them sing from 7.30pm onwards...
[ Feeling... * off * ]

end of shows... (where is the money...)
posted at 05:36 AM

Finally, I have completed the last two performances of "The Magic Paintbrush", and those were good shows!
I think I have pushed myself to the limit with all the shows and work that I have done this year, but where is the money?!
Even before receiving my paychecks, I spent money on two "Rainbow Fish" t-shirts and a "Magic Paintbrush" story book for my two cute little nieces, Sheryl and Shermaine... they have watched the latter show earlier and had liked it so much they asked for the book...
Somehow, seeing their happy faces after the performance really made all the hard work and effort worthwhile...
In between the two shows I rushed over to Dover Park Hospice, and found my dad sleeping in bed... and feeding mosquitoes entering from the garden beyond the open doors...
The nursing staff told me he was very restless in the morning and kept struggling to get up, so they had to sedate him to prevent him from injuring himself...
I sprayed the entire room with a lovely Vert De Bamboo Room & Linen Spray from The Body Shop... hopefully it will make the room more pleasant and mask the uncomfortable odour emitted from the cancer lumps in my dad's throat...
Some of my relatives had visited my dad earlier in the day, and also my next door neighbour planned to drop by tomorrow...
Really hope the activities and buzz from all these visits will help my dad in some way...
Fortunately, the stress and rush to and fro the hospice back to the evening show of "Paintbrush" didn't affect my performance...
Justin, Candice and Liting came to watch (the latter for the second time!), and other friends in the crowd included Cristina Bulahan, who played Mother/Phoenix in the previous run (and was sweet enough to hand me a box of chocs as an advance Christmas gift!), and a few other stage friends...
So far all of them had positive feedback and the show provided much conversation topics for the night...
After the last show, it was packing up and saying goodbyes to Alliance Francaise... but only to the backstage, as I planned to return tomorrow to watch the afternoon performance of "Rainbow Fish"...
Went off with Justin, Candice and Liting (the gang from "The Letter" film), to Lucky Plaza and enjoyed a Filipino meal at Kabayan Restaurant, then shopped among the Pasar Malaam stalls as well as Orchard...
Ah Law joined us later, then we all headed off to meet Dex at Lucky Chinatown (that's two "Lucky" malls in a night!) for a fun karaoke session at K-Ster KTV...
After an entire day of activities, we wanted to check into a room at Hotel 81 to while away some hours before the first buses begin their routes, but couldn't get any rooms after all... perhaps the counter staff who saw us earlier knew it would be a crowd and not just me checking in, and didn't want to accept us...
Anyway, Juju got to be in camp early so he left with Dex and Candice to stay over at the latter's place, while me and Liting walked our separate ways home...
I enjoyed a brisk 45mins walk from Chinatown back to my home at Telok Blangah, but when I called Liting, she just walked to Orchard Rd... wonder if she took the wrong winding route...
Anyway, she promised to call me after taking a cab home from Orchard...
And so I am officially "duty-free", meaning I have cleared all my projects for this year...
Now it's time to chase for my paychecks!!
[ Feeling... * satisfied * ]
[ Listening to... * Magic Paintbrush-Wishing For A World * ]

thank you, father... and farewell...
posted at 10:04 PM

Today is the final day of my father Hsu Kim Tee's 56 years of life...

After watching the final show of "Rainbow Fish" with Candice, I popped over to Novena Square to develop some of my dad's photos to paste at his ward, as well as get him some adult diapers...
Apparently dad had gone through a morning of fever, infection, heavy breathing and glazed staring into space, and had earlier slept through visits from Krishna (our neighbour) and my bro and cousins...
Not knowing what else to do, I talked to him despite his lack of response, and described the scenes depicted in our family photos in an attempt to evoke some happy memories...
With the TV programme playing some golden oldies tunes, I sang along to him, hoping he'll be amused...
While holding his hand, I sent him Reiki energies to ease his sufferings...
Later, seeing him changed, shifted and made comfortable in bed, I left the hospice to attend the "Magic Paintbrush" cast dinner at Fish & Co, at Novena Square...
But barely 10-15mins after I reached the restaurant, I got a call from the nursing staff that Dad had just passed away at 4.55pm...
The events after that was pretty much a blur as I called everybody while walking quickly back to the hospice...
Back there, the nurses were already removing the life support tubings from dad's body, and were arranging dad's appearance neatly...
Eric arrived...
Elaine arrived...
Eldest Uncle and cousin arrived...
Casket and funeral coordinator arrived... explained procedures etc...
Third Uncle and Auntie arrived...
And then the men came to take dad's body to the casket for enbalming and makeup...
And decisions were made...
Dad's body will be returned home tomorrow morning to the wake at our void deck (Blk 22, Telok Blangah Crescent, for those who might wish to drop by), and the funeral and cremation will take place on Tuesday morning, 9am, at Bright Hill Temple...
It will be a minimal Buddhist affair as dad prefered things to be done simply... but we decided not to scatter his ashes in the sea according to dad's wishes, and instead will place his ash urn near our mum's at Bright Hill Temple...
Now, I will need to pack the house, pack his clothes and belongings, cover all mirrors and reflective objects with red paper, and get things ready for tomorrow...
Meanwhile, I would like to thank dad for all the lessons that we have learned together as a family, for better or worse, and for teaching me valuable ways of life, directly or indirectly...
Dad, may you return back to the True Source along the path of Light and Love, and find yourself in a better place from now on...
Till we meet again...
I love you, dad...

Hsu Kim Tee (Xu Jin Di, born Xu Ben Min)
Born: 18th day of the first lunar month, 1949 (actual)
or 18th January, 1948 (reported)
Departed: 22nd day of the tenth lunar month, 2004
or 3rd December, 2004






[ Feeling... * calm, but at a loss * ]
[ Listening to... * Golden Oldies-十五的月亮 * ]

officially an orphan...
posted at 02:06 PM

Since the passing of my dad last Friday, my siblings and I had spent the ensuing days and sleepless nights living at our void deck, keeping an eye on Father and the wake, going through the final rituals to ensure peace in my dad's afterlife, and receiving guests who came to pay their last respects...
Thankfully, we had the generous help and support of many relatives and friends, and even strangers, and I am eternally grateful to everyone who came or contributed in some ways...
I could never have managed it alone...
To the beautiful moths and dragonflies that visited us throughout the wake... you reminded us that life, however transient, goes on even after death, and that death is just a transformation for the soul...
And so, this morning, the fifth day since his breathed his last, Father's body was cremated and his ashes kept near Mother's at Bright Hill Temple...
But now that Mother and Father have both moved on to greener pastures, all I have in my immediate family is my younger sister, her two little daughters, and my younger brother, facing many as-yet unknowns...



[ Feeling... * drained * ]
[ Listening to... * Astrud Gilberto's Finest Hour Album * ]

i refuse to be lonely...
posted at 05:32 PM

I refuse to be in a rut...
In an attempt to get on with my life, to let go, to move on, I decided to attend "First Takes", a screening of 3 short films including one that I did, "Bubble Tea Kit", at the Substation...
I invited Justin and Liting along, and Liting brought her friend Rebecca...
Only to find out from the director of my film that the original venue has been replaced by a smaller screening room, and that there wasn't any tickets left for me! How outrageous!!
Justin and Rebecca eventually got in through tickets given by his friend who directed another of the short films, and later the rest of us managed to find ourselves seated after a frustrating wait...
Two out of the three films are about unemployment, and the middle one was about a father and his dying son... strangely appropriate, but none of them managed to touch me...
Frankly, my mind wasn't on the three films that night... and I couldn't enjoy any of it...
Left with Justin and Liting to Cafe Cartel for some supper, and after a bout of cold jokes and hot snacks, we left in our different directions...
But for a moment, I didn't have any directions at all... I was totally lost...
The cool damp weather only made it worse... maybe the sky is crying on my behalf?
I wandered around aimlessly till my legs couldn't take it anymore... and took a late bus home...
Tried to put my varied confused thoughts into words, but my PC decided to shutdown on me too...
How do I stop feeling lonely?
...
Looking at my home... it badly needs a makeover, or at least a thorough spring-cleaning... Where do I even start?
And where is the room deodoriser when I really need it?
Need something to help me sleep...
[ Feeling... * lonely * ]

retail therapy...
posted at 02:07 AM

After spending the whole day trying to scan my PC of all virus and problems, it is clear that this is a worthless task... will need to reformat the whole machine... it is sprouting new programs and nonsense even as I am typing this...
Decided after hours at my desk to go out for some fresh air, and headed to Orchard Road...
Had dinner at the Rabbit Brand Restaurant at Lucky Plaza, and finally ordered my favourite Set J, which I am sure Juju and Candice wouldn't approve of...
Returned some library books, which I had not even the time to begin reading... but just in time to hear...

"Dear members, our library will be closed in 10mins..."

Browsed at Kinokuniya for sometime, and got myself some magazines and the Chinese book, 十七岁的天空, figuring I should get in touch with my inner bookworm again... then...

"Dear shoppers, we will be closing in 15mins..."

So I went off again, this time to Borders, which should be closer a little later...
Finally I found the original Broadway cast recording CD of the amazing "Avenue Q - The Musical", featuring puppets that spoof "The Muppet Show" and other social issues of the day...
Bought it immediately... and felt cheered up sufficiently, only to hear...

"Dear shoppers, Borders will be closing in half an hour's time..."
Still unfazed, and still in retail therapy mode, I walked the other way to The Heeren, and only managed to spend 5mins at HMV before I hear the familiar...

"Dear shoppers..."

Oh well, time to go home...
Just before reaching home, I popped by the neighbourhood shops and bought some Pringles Original and some Jolly Shandy drinks... anyway, there's still some leftover Carlsberg beer from the funeral...
[ Feeling... * restless * ]
[ Listening to... * Avenue Q Musical Soundtrack * ]

closures...
posted at 12:12 PM

Been sleeping and oversleeping...
Spent a good part of the afternoon closing my dad's CPF and bank accounts with my siblings, and settling all the loose ends... still a couple more places to go over, like the housing stuff at HDB...
We've also divided whatever's left in Father's bank account among ourselves, and that should tide us over whatever difficult periods we are facing for a while...
That, with a recent paycheck coming in over the last weekend, I feel more secure with myself...
So me and my sis, her two kids, and my bro went to a nearby Nonya Express @ Planet Smoothie and had a great reunion lunch, with delicious Peranakan food served by a charming and attentive lad...
After that I rushed over to Liang Court and met up with Justin and Liting, and later Lawrence joined us for dinner nearby...
Only Ah Law couldn't really eat, as he had just installed rubber braces (or whachamacallit) to straighten his teeth this morning... the hooks that protruded out from his teeth to secure the tiny rubber bands were cutting into his lips, ouch!
But he managed to do a good job hosting the Pokemon Advanced Generation Live show at Liang Court anyway, especially with plenty of enthusiastic cheers from Liting! LOL
After a short browsing at Kinokuniya, we left towards the Bungy Ride at Clarke Quay and had a laugh at the guy and the two girls flanking him taking the breath-taking ride...
Then we headed off to Borders, had some delicious and sinful chocolate cakes at Big O, and then over to HMV...
Plenty of walking around, mostly aimlessly, but to me, I really enjoyed these guys' company...
[ Feeling... * pensive * ]
[ Listening to... * Avenue Q-Original Broadway Cast Recording * ]

loved...
posted at 11:45 AM

Realised that all of us had actually missed the 7th day of my dad's passing, when we had to do some offerings as a form of respect... it should have been on Thursday... mixed feelings abound...
Took out some scraps of papers that my two cute little nieces wrote on during my dad's funeral wake...
I was teaching them to sketch accurately and stop drawing stick figures, and they really loved this "new" technique... so much that they wrote individually to me, decorated beautifully with flowers and hearts:

Shermaine:
"Dear Uncle Edric, thank you for teaching us how to draw, and it's going to be Christmas Day so I am going to say Merry Christmas. I wish you peace and joy. I love you very much."

Sheryl:
"From Sheryl to Uncle Edric... I love you, Uncle Edric."

I feel so touched!!
[ Feeling... * loved * ]

doing nothing... is perhaps everything...
posted at 12:16 PM

Juju smsed early in the morning that he had already finished reading Fann Wong's "Girl, Illustrated" within the first few hours of range duty...
What else is there to do for the rest of the time? Nothing, I guess...
Finally met up with Bryan for lunch at Bishan Junction 8's Crystal Jade Restaurant... been a long while since the last time...
Really enjoyed the simple moments just chitchatting and doing basically nothing...
When Bryan left to go gym, I met up with Liting, hoping to catch a movie or something during the few hours before our singing class tonight...
But those few hours were too short for a proper movie, so we didn't get to see how Great was Alexander...
Visited Uncle at the shop where she's working, then had coffee and internet with Ting at Pacific Coffee...
Nice to chill out and again, doing basically nothing...
At Metta School, where I had been teaching singing to a group of teenagers called OmniArts Troupers, Jalyn was already going through some dance steps to Angela and Meimei (NOT Liting's pet fly!), and the rest of us sang songs, had snacks and drinks, and later all had a recap of the past few months of training, followed by a video session of their debut public performance at a Buddhist event last Friday...
Incidentally, Samson will turn 18 tomorrow, on 11th Dec, and invited folks to celebrate at his place at Pasir Ris...
Liting had to leave half an hour early to rush to Fort Canning, but when I arrived at the MRT station after class, I found her still waiting for the train... such is our local transport system... or did we encounter some time warp?
It was already raining cows and bulls (according to Ting) when we reached town...
I waited at the bus stop, and soon Vivien appeared and joined me... we waited more than half an hour for the bus 124, and when it finally arrived, we couldn't get on because it was totally packed... such is our local transport system...
So Vivien and I had to walk to another bus stop to catch bus 195 instead...
By the time we reached our respective stops, the rain had already stopped...
At night, I wasted more time doing nothing while waiting for my PC to get its act together...
Had a long chat with Anders over the phone and mostly reminisced about the passing of my parents and his late mum... and about letting go... coincidentally, my dad passed away on Anders' birthday, 3rd Dec...
So, after a whole day of doing basically nothing, I felt that maybe I HAD accomplished many things...
[ Feeling... * slightly better * ]

all things good...
posted at 02:59 PM

Congratulations to the filmmakers Jon Lim and Jann Chong and the entire cast and crew of Digital Grain Productions, whose short film I acted in, "红线 (Strings)", won three awards at the Canon-DMH Digital Video Fest 2004!
The prizes are:

1. Grand Prize for Media Student Category
2. Best Direction
3. Audience Choice

Well done, everybody!!



[ Feeling... * excited * ]

you gain some... you lose some...
posted at 03:21 PM

Spent much of yesterday morning sleeping and trying to get my PC working properly again, in vain... time to apply euthanasia to it soon...
Met Anders at The Heeren Shops and while he chosed a pair of flipflops, I bought 2 pairs of shades to wear when I don't wish people to see my eyes (or eye baggages)...
Surprised to find Liting and her sis Lisa also shopping at The Heeren!
Wo Men Zhen You Yuan! LOL
Elvin joined us later at Cineleisure's foodcourt for dinner, after rushing over from the printing of some posters for next Saturday's screening at Mox...
Anders drove us to Zouk, where we joined Roy, Gaoju and Wenwei, for the Canon DMH Digital Video Fest Competiton awards presentation ceremony, a pretty glamourous event... only I was dressed in a dull shirt that doesn't go with my new moustachioed look...
(Okay okay, nothing goes with my new whiskers, and all my friends couldn't recognise me without a second look...fine, they are going off my face as of today!!)
To our wonderful surprise, our short film won big time at the awards! (See previous posting) and there was an excited round of hugs and cheer from everyone especially the cast and crew who attended the event...
One of the organisers from Canon saw me taking photos and it took her a while to see through my new disguise and recognised me as the lead in "红线" ...
Anyway, she told me she liked my performance and that this film will go places...
That's great encouragement indeed!
Anders later drove us all to River Valley Road for a round of Prata and cold jokes, and then to Tanjong Pagar's Why Not... must have been a culture shock for Gaoju and Wenwei... LOL
Met Bryan and Jonathon among other friends there...
Justin joined us after that, coming over after a whole day of range and carrying a fallen and much trodden-on poster of our film "The Letter", and looking rather dejected...
I would be too, in his situation...
We went over to Mox, found it too crowded and the people drunk...
He suggested KTV at K-ster again, and so off we go, singing songs till 4am... mostly sad songs... perhaps it is good to let it all out...
Lawrence came over much later, which probably made Justin feel better...
Then we had supper (or was that breakfast!) again at the porridge stall at New Bridge Road, and played some First Class Idiot game till dawn...
I reached home with very dried eyes, and a new stye waiting to emerge... good thing I bought those new sunglasses...
I really don't think I can do anymore of these activities for long... hanging around these 20yos, I feel so old and lethargic... hard to keep up sometimes...
[ Feeling... * tired out * ]
[ Listening to... * 周华建-伤心的歌 * ]

recuperating...
posted at 12:15 AM

Finally, a whole day to myself... pottering about at home and doing nothing again...
It is probably a good form of therapy, but alas, a luxury I cannot afford too often...
Anyway, my PC is driving me nuts... will do something about it soon...
Looking forward to some Fish & Chips tomorrow... by hook or by net!!
Sipping some Benedictine Dom liquer now *burp*, and then will try to get some more sleep...
[ Feeling... * like resting * ]

sleep quota...
posted at 03:17 AM

That's it... can't sleep even with the DOM in me... probably used up all my sleep quota of the day...
Had a chat with Anders and planned to attend a Buddhist blessing puja, hoping Liting and Elvin would be interested to join too...
Feeling greedy, so went downstairs to buy Wanton Mee (sorry Thrisa, it ain't THAT heavy! LOL), and now will go ahead and enjoy it...
Yum!
Oh, and I just remembered today will be my singing mentor Babes Conde's birthday!! Happy Birthday, Mum!!!
Hugs!!
[ Feeling... * awake * ]

had my fish & company...
posted at 01:40 AM

Was supposed to meet up with Bryan for lunch, but I woke up hazy and forgotten the appointment... oops! Sorry, Bryan...
Was supposed to meet up Daniel and Timothy for dinner, but things weren't properly arranged so it was all postponed to tomorrow...
Then I called Liting and had a nice long chat with her...
Wanted to do a simple western food dinner at the coffee shop downstairs, and enjoy the fish & chips there...
Then Justin called and sounded troubled... so I told him I'll join him for dinner if he promise we'll go Fish & Co...
And so we did... after meeting him and bumping into J.F. at the internet cafe first...
Justin shared his woes and worries over a delicious and fulfilling Seafood Platter comprising of rice and raisins (which Juju didn't dare touch at all!) and lots of prawns, calamari, mussels and yummy codfish and chips, which we couldn't finish after all, and had a Mermaid Freeze of delicious mango and carrots...
Hope it did him some good airing out his dilemmas and bottled emotions...
I got a cute Fish & Co 2005 diary to bring home too...
Took a walk to P.S. but ended up watching the shops close, so we went off to Borders, and listened to a new Disney CD featuring their songs done in a Bossa Nova style... very refreshing!
I also found to my delight the CD of the Tony Award winning musical "Wicked", based on the Wicked Witch of the West from "The Wizard of Oz"... it is simply brilliant! Bought it without hesitation...
Feeling like having some ice-cream, we walked towards Pacific Plaza, and ended up listening to CDs at That CD Shop instead...
We found the soundtrack of the movie "De-Lovely" and listened to de lovely and cleverly written songs again... till it's time for last buses...
Justin missed his but I got onto mine...
Hope he will pull himself together and pick himself up soon... no point dwelling on what's past... it's what's in store that's more important...
Sometimes I wonder if by saying all these to him, I am in fact reminding myself...
[ Feeling... * full * ]
[ Listening to... * Alanis Morrisette-Let's Do It Let's Fall In Love * ]

\"Wicked\" is good...
posted at 03:10 AM

Seems like many of my dear friends are having an emotional time in their lives now...
Perhaps it is a phase just as how the waning of the moon affects the tide...
Perhaps it is part and parcel of life, that we have lessons to learn, and obstacles to cross...
At the right moment, I have been listening to the new CD I bought, of "Wicked - A New Musical", and in it I found a song that probably said what I meant to say...
Here's an excerpt of this song that I wish to share with all you friends of mine...

For Good

Glinda
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed
For good...

Elphaba
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Both
I have been changed
For good...

Elphaba
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

Glinda
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

Both
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better

Glinda
And because I knew you...

Elphaba
Because I knew you...

Both
Because I knew you...
I have been changed
For good...
[ Feeling... * sympathetic * ]
[ Listening to... * "Wicked" Soundtrack-For Good * ]

ENFP: everyday, new fantastic possibilities
posted at 10:17 PM

You're an ENFP...

"Every day, New Fantastic Possibilities"

What's there to say about you? You're an initiator of change and are keenly in tune to possibilities... you're enthusiastic, and it's contagious...you're tireless in the pursuit of newfound interests... You can anticipate the needs of others, and offer them needed help and appreciation. You bring zest, livelihood, and fun to all aspects of your life...

You're agreeable, sociable, outgoing and like to imagine yourself in the future... who will you marry? what type of work will you do? where will you live? All questions you ask yourself...you like to keep your options open...you're imaginative...curious...you prefer to understand than judge..

You see endless possibilities. You hate to be boxed into anything -- like a career -- for life...so you hesitate and resist making decisions...always look for new and novel...

You like a learning environment where the teacher takes a personal interest in you...You're motto might be: "There's always a better way or a better answer.."... when you're committed to something, you are enthusiastic to the point of preaching to the whole world about it (...like the Storm Palace?)

Your style of organization is... well, personalized. Others don't really see you as organized, though, do they? YOU know what's where, and there's a "method to your madness," huh?

You have a hard time separating work from leisure, since you have fun while you work. You're always on the lookout for new things... you like learning with others, so you'll invite 'em to join you at films, plays and classes.

When you fall in love, you study the other person in every way. The one you fall in love with is "the best ever" a lot, huh? Sheesh. But others feel unconditionally loved by you ....you fall head over heels and get in love FAST. You are charming...full of vitality...you treat others with sympathy, gentleness, and warmth...

Last part: watch out for losing your focus 'cause you wanna try too many ideas at the same time... you don't prioritize, so you can overload...also, because you're just a fun-loving animal, you might not complete important work and basic responsibilities...

ENFP: "Every day, New Fantastic Possibilities"

** old friends... new connections...
posted at 11:09 PM

Today would have been a Happy Anniversary for me and ... well, could have been...
Something always goes wrong somewhere, somehow...
Anyway, I had lunch with Bryan but didn't manage to pass him the sticker labels he wanted...
Met up with M. at Plaza S'pura, and had some desserts and drinks at Spinelli...
Bought 4 tickets to Alexander for Wed night 8.30pm show, for Liting, Elvin, Anders and myself, although I stumbled several times using the AXS Station... I am becoming more and more lo-tech...
Met up with D. at Tan Tock Seng Hospital, and later T. at Dairy Farm...
Dinner was at Fong Seng, enjoyed a scrumptious Nasi Lemak... so sedap!!
Went home and feeling full, but there's still room for a sip of Dom...
Called Juju and tried to talk him out of depression...
Found out from Anders that he is a fellow Hockchew too... neither of us speaks this dialect from Fuzhou anymore though...
Then Joan, my dear old poly classmate, called out of the blue, and asked about how things were since my dad's passing... had general updates about email addresses and such...
It's so nice to reconnect back with old friends...
I feel warm again, not sure if it's from the call, or from the liquer...
[ Feeling... * flushed * ]
[ Listening to... * Ashley Judd-True Love * ]

wishing for the world...
posted at 02:05 AM

Looking at all the wish lists my friends are making for Christmas, I can't help wondering what gifts I would present to my friends...

I certainly don't have the means to buy and give anything material, but I can surely offer physical, emotional, spiritual support and plenty of LOVE...

And what do I want? Just the same!

If I only have ONE wish...

I would wish... ... that every single wish that is based on love, compassion, positivity, selflessness, that benefits others and generates happiness... BE GRANTED

...
[ Feeling... * optimistic * ]
[ Listening to... * The Magic Paintbrush-Wishing For The World * ]

my element is air... (shouldn't it be water?)...
posted at 03:08 AM

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

good news... and not so good news...
posted at 03:02 AM

I went for a TVC audition this afternoon and found out that "Rice Rhapsody", the Kenbiroli Films movie I participated in last year, will finally be screened locally from 6th January 2005!
Am also hoping for good news with my audition... Touch wood!
Did some window shopping at Orchard Road, and was buying a book when Juju called to announce some bad news...
Among other things, our film "The Letter" still wasn't transferred to a VCD format, which is the only format available for the screening this weekend, and MDA needs seven days to process the censorship viewing and rating...
After that, we took a trip down to MDA, and got the other films approved and rated...
Then we popped over to Ya Kun for a breather before the owner of Mox arrived to perform the test screening of the films...
Halfway through watching Roy all dressed up in his film "X Love", I rushed over to Plaza Singapura to meet Elvin, Liting and Anders for the movie "Alexander" starring Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie etc...
Just before the show, my younger bro called to present more bad news... long story, but involved money...
The movie was another long story, three hours in fact, and there were many monologues, especially by Anthony Hopkins, which almost made me fall asleep...
But other parts of the show turned out to be pretty exciting and a visual feast... At least there were many occasions which left Ting either flabbergasted or disgusted... not sure if these were the bloody scenes...
Roy joined us after the movie for supper at Geylang's famous Taiwanese Yong He soya milk and you tiao... and more cold jokes, giggles and phototaking with Elvin's new digital camera...
Had to "tompang" Anders back home again, and took a longer route somemore, hope he didn't mind...
[ Feeling... * worried * ]

praying for the best...
posted at 01:53 AM

Panic!! Our film The Letter is still not ready! Apparently it has something to do with the PC and the transfer process to a VCD or whatnot, but I rather think it is a result of last minute actions...
So the film was still in Sunyi's PC, Dex was still editing it when it crashed, and Justin gotta get the PC fixed somehow...
I think someone had better pray or pay their respects to Hock Chai for this film to have a smoother production...
Anyway, why am I so worried? My job as an actor was already done...
Perhaps this film is not so much *their* film, but more like *our* film!
Everyone's played a part in this project (literally) , and naturally wants this baby to have a smooth and safe delivery... right?
Anyway, met Justin around Little India area and settled some major problems over there... he had finally got the PC under repair and installed a CD burner...
Did some checking, and testing, and basically lost plenty of sweat and blood, man...
I was supposed to join Liting, Anders, Roy and Elvin (who had all stayed over at Anders' place the night before!) at Bright Hill Temple for the prayer ceremony, but when I popped over it was already very late...
Only managed to spend about 15mins there despite about two hour's journey in total... and didn't even get to see Mother's and Father's altars...
Had to settled some financial issues, and I pray it will be the very last time indeed...
Felt extremely unhappy all of a sudden, and took a train back to town... managed to exchange the book with missing cards at Kinokuniya for a complete one... then window-shopped around a bit (okay, for quite a bit) to release stress...
Felt much better after a series of smses to and fro Ting, pouring out all my woes... thanks so much, dear!
Was having dinner at Orchard Emerald when Justin called that he wanted to catch a movie too...
Watched "Blade Trinity" and found it to be another visual feast... lots of eye candy despite the so-so plot... and Juju almost got heart attack in one scene!
Managed to take the last bus home again...
Apparently Justin will be chasing Dex for the film to be edited...
Let's just pray for the best...
Oh yes, did I mention that I turned vegetarian for a day... definitely not easy!!
[ Feeling... * stressed * ]

i owe myself...
posted at 10:11 AM

I owe myself a lot of things...

Time, for one... haven't really spent any time on my house for years, and now that Father's moved on to a better Home, I had better start making this 30yo apartment my own home too...
I haven't done my laundry since the funeral, since the terrible flooding of dirty laundry water in my kitchen... running out of clean clothes and towels soon...
Gotta fix the pipes again just in case...
Gotta fix the bathroom lights too...
Gotta fix all the windows in this flat... they are definitely past their lifespan...
Gotta fix my house... especially a major de-cluttering exercise, so that I have space to walk, not to mention breathe...
Gotta fix my teeth... to remove the Wisdoms especially... will promise to smile more after that...
Gotta fix my life...

I owe myself some TLC... need a proper thorough massage, and to pamper myself with all the aromatherapy products from our Omhealth line...
I owe myself a long quiet walk and trek around Mount Faber, such a beautiful, serene and natural place just opposite my flat, yet totally taken for granted...
I owe myself complete healing and meditation... time to channel more good healing Reiki Tummo energies again and be with nature...
I owe myself a Tarot reading... there is always a need for self-accessment...
I owe myself a dim-sum buffet...

And...

I owe myself the chance to love... I have given so much love to everyone I know, pure unconditional love, but yet to accept and receive the same in my own life...
I think I am ready to fall in love again... with someone pleasant and optimistic, kind and compassionate, open in both mind and heart, youthful but mature, and around my age please...

As I mentioned to Ting last night, after this week, after all the screenings and fun activities with the youngsters, I will be taking a break...
Won't be too long, perhaps for at least a week or anything up till the New Year, I just want to spend maximum time alone...
And find myself again...

With the waxing of the new moon, now is the best time to manifest all things good...
[ Feeling... * reflective * ]

pet cat... bom bom...
posted at 12:32 AM

href="http://webneko.net">Neko

Thank you, Ah Law, for introducing me to Neko the cat...
Now I also have one just like yours, only I will call it Bom Bom, after my guinea pig which passed away about four years ago...
There it is, at the top left corner, waiting for someone to touch and pat it!
Click on it, and it will chase after your Mouse cursor...
Click on it again, and it will return to its original position...
So cool and well-trained right?
I think I will get a real pet soon...

changed... failed vegetarian...
posted at 12:51 AM

Had my hairstyle changed at Lush, where my cousin Barry works...
I like my hair to be different all the time... but this time it is rather radical... you've gotta to see me in person!
Met up with Liting at The Heeren Shop's Spinelli Cafe, and tried to sneak a view of her gal Stefanie Sun, who was giving a mini concert to promote her new album...
Despite the drizzle, and her expected lack of punctuality, there was nevertheless a pretty large adoring crowd...
Undaunted by the array of umbrellas blocking our view, not unlike the scene from the movie, "Turn Left, Turn Right", Ting took several pics of the sensational singer with her digital camera, although she could have downloaded clearer and bigger pics of Stef from the Internet...
Promised Ting I will get Stef to meet her when I get the chance to perform with the singer!
Anyway, after just a short while, we left to shop around at Centrepoint...
Although I had hoped to try going vegetarian for as long as I can, I didn't expect my plans to be upset so soon...
Bought two rice dumplings for dinner, requesting only the vegetarian versions which contained only peanuts, mushroom and glutinous rice...
But the dumpling-auntie sabo-ed me... and gave me two Nonya dumplings instead... only found out after I ate them...
We then took a train over to Metta, where my other students were already rehearsing the dance steps for a song for Saturday's performance...
It was the first time we had a full turn out of the OmniArts Troupers!!
Jalyn ran through all the items they had to perform over and over again till everyone got it right...
After the class, most of us went over to Bedok Interchange's food centre for supper... since my veggie plans were spoiled already, I ordered my favourite dish... oyster omelette!!

[ Feeling... * different * ]

alternation: x love... strings... the letter...
posted at 03:44 AM

I attended both matinee and evening screenings of three different short films under the theme of "Alternation", showcasing...

"X Love" by Mark Yang,
"Hong Xian (Strings)" by Jon Lim/Jann Chong, and
"The Letter" by Justin Kan...

About 17 persons attended the afternoon session at Mox Bar & Cafe, while the evening screening enjoyed a full house...
Everyone in the main cast of "The Letter" were there except for Aishah and Renee, and oh yes, Lucky the dog... Elvin didn't turn up too, as he was busy with his own chalet event...
I am happy that my sister Elaine and my best friend Bryan came down with friends to support...
Encountered several old friends too, like Francis and Ronald...
And met new ones like Gordon, Dexter and Gerald...
Most people couldn't recognise me with my longer and new ash blonde hair, which looked more like greenish grey in the dim lights, but still I received mostly good feedback on my performances in both "Strings" and "The Letter", even though in both films I played the guy who caused his loved ones to commit suicide...
After the screenings and interaction with the audience members and friends, some of us had supper at Maxwell Market before adjourning to Onan Road, where Candice stays with Janet and Khee Liang...
Liting (who had just performed with OmniArts Troupers at Metta School) and Dex joined later, followed by Anders...
At Candice's place, we had fun with her Bun Bun (don't think too much, that's her pet bunny! LOL), then watched a slow but rather humourous Taiwanese gay movie called "Formula 17", but the rest started getting bored and played games...
There wasn't any point watching the movie on TV amidst the din, so I decided to chat with Ah Law (who didn't join us) over the internet via MSN instead... He was researching for info on Lee Kuan Yew...
They started playing the Idiot Game again, followed by some board games, while Dexter and I looked bored indeed (we were pretty much the anti-socials), and Candice, Vivek and his cousin bro chatted and smoked amongst themselves...
When my eyes started to dry up and my energy level dipping severely, I volunteered to go buy supper for whoever's hungry...
Went with Vivek, Candice's other half, to a nearby 24hr roti prata place and brought back some yummy pratas...
After a quick and delicious meal, I took my leave with Justin, Sunyi, Dexter and Gerald...
With my hair dyed almost grey, wearing my dad's retro Montagut polo shirt, and mixing around with the early 20-somethings... I really felt all of my 32 years old tonight...
I guess this is a good start to finding back my Self...
[ Feeling... * accomplished * ]

* walk... walk... bump... bump...
posted at 11:58 PM

Woke up with a big craving for western food, and thought of Jack's Place at Wisma Atria... managed to convince Bryan to join me... only to discover that that outlet had already closed down and been replaced by some Japanese restaurant...
We took a walk over to Takashimaya, where I returned my library books and settled on the Breeks Restaurant there, which served us mega portions of fish & chips...
Got a scolding from Bryan after telling him to shop at Kinokuniya bookstore with some discount coupons that I had collect earlier, only to realise I had left them at home...
At Kino, I bumped into Jeremy who worked at Nonya Express and remembered me cos I interrupted his lunch break the other time...
Argued somemore on the way to Paragon in search of a nice quiet little cafe to sip some coffee and rest our feet... didn't happen... it was way TOO crowded...
Bumped into Justin, who was in town too, who passed me some stuff to post overseas for him (there's a post office beneath my flat)...
Bryan and I continued on and finally found some empty tables at Spinelli's at The Heeren...
Did some shopping at HMV afterwards, where he bought Zhang Dong Liang's debut album, which included a song that we both like...
After walking around aimlessly and tiring ourselves even more, Bryan took his bus home while I entered Cali gym for some cardio and weights...
Bumped into the recently single-again Charles while I was there, so we had a chitchat while I tried to cross countries on the treadmill...
Also bumped into Roy at the gym (nope not Roy of "X Love" fame)...
After gymming, I popped back into HMV again to surround myself with more recent hits on the pop charts...
And bumped into Adelyn (Chicken of "The Magic Paintbrush" fame)...
Shopped around listening to CDs with Ad, then returned to Spinelli's to wait for Candice, who later joined us for dinner at Pasta Mania at Cineleisure...
Justin, who was still hanging around Orchard, called and decided to meet up for a drink and more walking, while he related some of his recent problems and stress...
I just hope the little counselling that I could do helped him get over this difficult period...
Seems like this year is indeed a difficult year for many folks around me, and this December appeared to be the culmination of all the Downs in life...
Really can't wait for the Ups now...
[ Feeling... * exhausted * ]
[ Listening to... * 张栋梁-当你孤单... * ]

so much for the start of a week of self-retreat...
posted at 12:30 AM

Today is the last day of the prayer sessions by Buddhist monks at Bright Hill Temple, which are blessings for my late parents as well as me and my siblings...
Met up with dear Katrina for lunch at the Rabbit Brand restaurant at Circular Road where I had my favourite Set J again...
Nice of Kat to present me with my first Christmas gift...
After lunch, we popped over to a new TCC Cafe nearby, and found the upper floor to be a comfy place for coffee and well decorated with whimsical oil paintings by Einstein, the bald artist famous for his cow cartoons...
Sipping coffee, chatting and playing with cards from The Oracle, it was a great way to while the lunch hours away...
After Kat returned to her office, I went over to the post office to help Justin post his parcels to his overseas friends...
Turned out that the Speedpost deliveries cost many times more than the actual value of the gifts...
The next errand of the day was to deliver two jars of Omhealth's moisturing cream to a client at PSD...
Justin had a sudden craving for KTV singing and a movie, but couldn't get the others to join in at the last minute, so I joined him at Cineleisure's K-Box...
After some therapeutic singing and belting, we avoided a huge crowd waiting for Stephen Chow's appearance to promote his new film "Kung Fu", and watched instead the absolutely hilarious buddy movie "Without A Paddle"...
The film's all about friendship and fulfillment of childhood dreams and getting a LIFE... nicely told with plenty of sidesplitting one-liners and funny-to-the-bone scenes...
One of which reminded me of a similar situation I had twelve years ago... although that was so NOT a joke at all...
Anyway, at the basement foodcourt, we bumped into Elvin and his shy friend Alvin, and we had dinner together... I enjoyed a delicious bowl of ABC chicken soup from my fave stall again...
Heard that Ting was with Anders, who's having his wisdom teeth surgically removed... hope he recovers soon and restore his charming smile, haha...
Justin and I carried on walking down Orchard and popped into the bookstores again (bumped into Haslinda and Emma at Borders) and talked about his new ideas for a musical at a Starbucks outlet...
Then, too exhausted, I left to go home while Juju carried on over to Far East Plaza for a quick internet session...
This week's supposed to be the start of a period of self-retreat to recharge my senses and restore my overall well-being...
With some smses inviting me to attend a discussion about musicals tomorrow as well as a mini high school reunion on Thursday, I can only say that this retreat has been officially postponed... indefinitely...
Couldn't sleep... took a walk downstairs and got some dumpling noodles for supper, then made myself a cocktail of Benectine Dom with Tonic Water... *burp*...
[ Feeling... * thirsty * ]

i need more practice... with musicals...
posted at 12:54 AM

Did some voiceover samples in the afternoon at Mind & Media's studio, and found that my Mandarin VOs are stronger...
I need more practice with English ones now...
Met Brian Zimmerman and his friend/colleague Cindy Creekmore at the canteen, and they asked me to try doing VOs for their Japanese anime cartoons when they are recruiting local talents next year...
I need more practice with my American accent now...
Travelled back to Spinelli's at The Heeren and had a drink and some shopping with Anders, and together we played a naughty practical joke on a friend (sorry, friend! LOL)...
Oops, gotta do more good deeds to clear our karma... hehe...
Justin joined me later and we bought some books from Centrepoint's Times Bookshop, enjoying the storewide 20% discount...
Then we almost got lost travelling to The Pines to meet Kenneth Lyen and his friends...
Fortunately, along the way, someone bearing an uncanny resemblance to Ken drove up and asked for directions to The Pines too, and so me and Juju hopped on board and got there earlier than we could have hoped for...
Ken and his two friends just finished their game of tennis and we ordered dinner at the restaurant before adjourning to Ken's place to discuss our musical plans for 2005... Sean Wong joined us later...
After finding out that one of them, Jack, also had a similar idea with my story "Journey of a Song", we discussed the possibilities of a collaboration... in any case, I am sure I will benefit from the interactions with this group of talented people!
Then Ken took out his "Into The Woods" DVD and we spent the next two and a half hours enjoying the wonderfully clever musical starring Bernardette Peters and Joanna Gleason...
I am grateful for Ken to drive us home after the show ended close to midnight...
It has been an inspiring evening... now I need to really get back to work on my musical...
[ Feeling... * inspired * ]
[ Listening to... * Stephen Sondheim-Into The Woods * ]

people popping...
posted at 09:45 AM

After idling around the house (again) the entire morning and early afternoon, I decided to do some retail therapy...
Met up with Ah Law, had lunch at the Rabbit Brand Seafood Delicacies Restaurant at Lucky Plaza (again), and then shopped to our hearts' delight at Orchard Road...
Juju popped by later over at The Heeren (again), after his movie with his gym trainer, and we continued shopping for a while...
Then Roy popped by too... Ah Law had to leave us to meet his other friends... so the rest of us settled ourselves at Spinelli's (again) for my daily dose of caffeine and a delicious Oatmeal & Raisin biscuit...
And spent the next hour and a half people-watching and basically oogling at eye candy popping in and out of the shops...
It was simply hilarious!
And then who should pop up out of the blue but my tall, dark and handsome (but looking slightly rounder) "disciple" Andy, who has already completed his BBE (Arch Stud) at QUT just like me, and now working as a Senior Design Consultant in some ID firm!
After more people-watching, and recognising some familiar faces, Roy, Juju and I popped over to Cineleisure's foodcourt for dinner (again) and I ordered my fave ABC Chicken Soup (again)...
Next to pop by are Dex (looking chirpy despite a sore heart), Liting (in an all-new wet look) and Anders (with a one-sided square jaw)...
And after more people-watching and recognising, I left them eating and popped over next door to Cali gym (again) where I enjoyed two hours of work out... and more eye candy of course...
Bumped into many familiar faces there and met Seth just before leaving... turned out he lived nearby so I walked him home before returning to Orchard to wait 45 mins for that bloody bus 124 (again)...
[ Feeling... * popped * ]

blessings in these guys...
posted at 01:53 AM

Today marks the third week since Father's passing, and I visited his altar as well as Mothers' and my grandparents' ashes at the Columbarium at Bright Hill Temple (Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Temple)...
Had a simple but very nice vegetarian lunch at the temple's canteen, then paid my respects to my ancestors and asked for their blessings...
On the MRT train back to town, who should enter midway at the exact carriage but Justin, still fully engrossed in listening to songs in his discman... What a coincidence!
It appeared that he had just watched the movie adaptation of "Phantom of the Opera" with his gym trainer, and fell in love with the soundtrack so much, he went ahead and bought the CD...
Shitzu, I wanna watch this musical movie too...
Anyone hasn't watch this spectacular extravaganza yet, and wants to catch it with me next Monday?
Well, Juju and I ate at Bugis and then shopped around, and later received some very good news...
He was still very inspired by "Phantom" and very keen to start work on his own musical ideas, so I brought him to Library@Esplanade where there are many recordings of stage musicals and shows that he can watch or borrow... He borrowed "Victor/Victoria" starring the fabulous Julie Andrews in an amazing double-drag...
We ate again at Raffles City and after that took a train to Jurong East, where I left to meet up with Jinlian, Jiajun, Baoying and Xianghua, all my ex-classmates from River Valley High School...
Too bad one other friend, Yongqiang, didn't stay around as he had to take care of some family matters...
The rest of us booked a room at K-Box and sang mostly songs from our "era", namely golden oldies from the 1980s...
Jiajun surprised all of us with his knowledge of more songs than his ex-choir member wife, Jinlian...
It was a wonderful reunion, and singing songs that date back to our schooldays really evokes many pleasant childhood memories...
At least for me...
[ Feeling... * blessed * ]
[ Listening to... * Phantom of the Opera-Think Of Me * ]

what is this thing called love?...
posted at 11:10 AM

What Is This Thing Called Love?
by Cole Porter

What is this thing called love?
This funny thing called love?
Just who can solve its mystery?
Why should it make a fool of me?

I saw you there one wonderful day
You took my heart and threw it away
That's why I ask the Lord in Heaven above
What is this thing called love?

I was a hum-drum person
Leading a life apart
When love flew in through my window wide
And quickened my hum-drum heart
Love flew in thorugh my window
I was so happy then
But after love had stayed a little while
Love flew out again

What is this thing called love?
This funny thing called love?
Just who can solve its mystery?
Why should it make a fool of me?

I saw you there one wonderful day
You took my heart and threw it away
That's why I ask the Lord in Heaven above
What is this thing called love?

You gave me days of sunshine
You gave me nights of cheer
You made my life an enchanted dream
'Til somebody else came near
Somebody else came near you
I felt the winter's chill
And now I sit and wonder night and day
Why I love you still?
[ Feeling... * empty all of a sudden * ]
[ Listening to... * Cole Porter-What Is This Thing Called Love? * ]

solitaire...
posted at 11:18 AM

Lately, all around me, I have been witnessing people falling in love... and people falling out of love... people who are happy... people who are hurt...
What's love got to do with it?
Those who are young and new to love are being burnt by the flames fuelled by their passion...
Those who have grown older didn't seem any wiser either...
Friends falling head over heels with people who lost interest in them...
Many married girl-pals with kids ended up losing their husbands...
Losing count of all the recently branded single mums that I know...
Why do these things happen in numbers?
Why do we often argue and quarrel with the very ones we love?

And then... what about me?

Now, I am single and available, yet still missing the person that I have grown to love for the past eight years, knowing that what is lost is truly gone... that it will never be...
Where pleasure is readily within reach, love isn't...
Is my heart already deformed?
Am I ready to love someone else wholeheartedly again, even when a huge portion of my heart had been taken away... what is left of me then?
Or am I still waiting for someone to fill my heart with love again...
Seeing how love has made so many friends' lives so miserable, I really wonder how I can escape this same fate...
And what's love got to do with it then?
Perhaps I ought to change myself, my perspectives, my priorities, my attitude and my lifestyle, in order to have room for that someone special to enter...

Wake up... Edric... wake up!!!!
You're supposed to retreat this week and find your SELF!!!

Solitaire
by Karen Carpenter

There was a man, a lonely man,
who lost his love through his indifference.
A heart that cared, that went unshared,
until it died within his silence.

And Solitaire's the only game in town,
and every road that takes him down.
And by himself it's easy to pretend,
he'll never love again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game,
without her love it always ends the same.
While life goes on around him everywhere,
he's playing Solitaire.

A little hope goes up in smoke,
just how it goes, goes without saying.
There was a man, a lonely man,
who would command the hand he's playing.
(chorus)

And Solitaire's the only game in town,
and every road that takes him down.
While life goes on around him everywhere,
he's playing Solitaire...
[ Feeling... * empty all of a sudden * ]
[ Listening to... * The Carpenters-Solitaire * ]

think of me...
posted at 03:45 AM

Bryan's not feeling well today, so didn't meet up as I hoped...
Met up with Justin at The Heeren's Spinelli's cafe again (why do I keep going around in circles?), took some headshots of him for his CV and when his air-steward friend CS came over and then later another friend from NZ, I left them there and carried on to do more shopping...
30mins later found me rushing over to Great World City where I watched "The Phantom of the Opera" alone at GV Grand...
I must say those reviews on magazines and papers didn't do this spectacular movie adaptation of the popular musical any justice at all...
I was simply blown away by the beautiful sets, cast, costumes, and most of all, music...
I cried at the parts where Phantom sang his heart out to Christine...
I cried again at the parts where Phantom watched while Raoul and Christine sang their hearts out to each other...
I cried again and again, moved by the tragic tale, touched by the sad score, affected by the lyrical er... lyrics...
With the free flow of tears, am I glad I watched this alone...
Why do I find parts of myself in each of these characters?

If ever I were to leave this world, please learn this song and sing it at my wake...

Think Of Me
by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Think of me
think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye
remember me
once in a while, please promise me you'll try

When you find,
that once again you long
to take your heart back and be free
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said
our love was evergreen
or as unchanging as the sea...
but if you can still remember,
stop and think of me

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen,
don't think about the things
which might have been

Think of me
think of me waking, silent and resigned...
imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind...

Recall those days,
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do...
there will never be a day when
I won't think of you

We never said
our love was evergreen
or as unchanging as the sea...
but please promise me,
that sometimes
you will think of me

Found out later that Anders was watching this movie alone too, and feeling all the moments within the story as much as I did...
Had dinner with Jeremy at Tiong Bahru, who arrived sporting the same hair colour as me, and wearing the same shirt colour as me...
We even shared the same kind of childhood...
Only thing is... he is only half my age...
After dinner, we parted ways and I took the MRT over to Raffles City where I had coffee with Anthony, the owner of a prestigious hair salon...
We chatted all the way till Liting called and summoned me over to meet them (Dex, Anders, Roy and herself) at the Esplanade Waterfront...
There, we were very mean to Roy, pretending he wasn't there, and then carried on to traumatise the scores of love birds and groups of youngsters waiting to count down the minutes to Christmas Day...
Never had we spouted so much nonsense... and in so many foreign accents too...
Laughed a lot, but did I spot Roy tearing mid-way?
Perhaps all of us, heart-broken souls that we all were, longed to have a good cry, but we never did... we just tried to make merry and laugh...
Anyway, such gatherings usually tend to have an anti-climatic ending...
And so, Anders took off on a cab to meet his other friends, while Dex, Ting and Roy took the train home... (at least I hope they did!)
Leaving me to walk alone, all the way from Raffles City, bumped into Zaggi and Alex, guided a drunk Filipino-British guy, David, from Happy to Taboo, then walked on to Kampong Bahru where I had a Mutton Murtabak at a 24hr Roti Prata shop, and then took a cab home...
To type all these down while sipping my half-glass of Benedictine Dom...
And oh yeah, to whoever's reading this...
I wish you a Merry Christmas...
[ Feeling... * EXTREMELY LONELY * ]
[ Listening to... * Phantom of the Opera-Think Of Me * ]

it's a merry christmas after all...
posted at 01:41 AM

I woke up with a small stye in my right eye and a huge craving for roast chicken or turkey with red wine...
Dilly-dallied around the house the whole morning till Anders called and wanted to do dinner together...
Having gone through such a depressing last night, I was feeling just a bit weary...
But I think none of us really wanted to be alone today...
I'm sure all of us wanted to give each other another chance at making this Christmas Day a special one...
So after insisting that we avoid crowded places like Orchard Road, and expressed my hope of a nice western style roast dinner, I went over and joined Anders, Lawrence, Liting and Roy at Great World City...
Discovered that Anders can bake nice chocolate chip cookies... yum yum!
We visited Ting's mum at the shop she's working at, such a sweet lady!
After that we enjoyed a scrumptious and satisfactory quarter roast chicken with side dishes and all for $13.90 each, at Kenny Roger's Restaurant...
We were absolutely bursting at our seams when we were done, not only by the delicious and generous portions of food, but also by the eye-candy, and plenty of pleasant chit chat, much unlike the previous night of nonsensical and mean bantering...
Shopped around a bit after that, and had fun watching those extremely cute little bunnies and hamsters at the pet shop...
I have a sudden desire to own a pet, a little creature to treasure as my own, to love and be loved back...
I will probably get a guinea pig like Chi Chi, or a Netherland Dwarf bunny...
Law left not long after, and just when the rest of us were getting ready to leave, a dazed looking Elvin came over to join us... despite being all dressed up to the nines, he had just lost both soles off his leather shoes!!
He managed to get some superglue off the DIY store before they closed, and tried to stick the soles back on while Anders, Ting, Roy and I just made fun at each other, this time keeping check on our EQ...
We parted ways pretty much soon after, as the mall was closing up, and Elvin got to make do with his flimsy shoes...
Roy headed off to meet Justin over at Tabs, while Ting went to deliver gifts to her friends in town, and Anders and Elvin probably went off to the carpark...
All in all, it was a wonderfully simple yet fun evening...

Good food + Good company = Formula for feeling good during festive seasons!!!

Thank you, guys!!!
[ Feeling... * merry * ]

had a nice day...
posted at 11:33 AM

Today, there will be a full moon again... time sure flies...
I met up with Bryan at Aljunied to make some offerings for a Buddhist event and prayed for blessings...
Then we went over to Bugis Junction's McDonald's for lunch and did some window-shopping, something we hadn't really done together for ages...
Really love this relaxed and simple activity just walking, chatting, doing nothing in particular but just being together with a good buddy and soulmate...
We didn't actually spend many hours though... both of us wanted to workout at our respective gyms, so we went over to Raffles Place, had a drink at the Teh Tarik stall outside Planet Fitness, then parted ways...
I had a great workout today... exercising (besides walking kilometres home from town) is a really great way to release stress and pent up energies, which are mostly gone by now anyway...
Bumped into Zhongliang, who is almost unrecognisable now with his new supersized physique... still it's good to see an old friend...
Went home after that and wanted to nap... after all, I was supposed to stay home and hibernate after the past many months of activities...
Almost immediately, I got summoned out for dinner at Neil Road's Jing Hua Xiao Chi, which served delicious Beijing dumplings and noodles...
Yum yum yum yum yum... makes me wanna go back to China for all these dumplings again, where I can eat them everyday without fail...
Had a laugh or three again with these jokers before enjoying a stroll towards Far East Square (I keep going around in circles again), went backstage, found most of the shops closed due to the weekend, and then back to Food Street for desserts...
Nice... it's been a nice day...
Hope all my friends enjoyed it too!
[ Feeling... * happy * ]

prayers and blessings for those who perished...
posted at 07:32 PM

Everywhere's buzzing with the latest news of the tragedy that struck our part of the world, the earthquake in Indonesia and the tidal waves that hit shores around south asia, killing thousands and thousands of people everywhere, with the worst hit being Sri Lanka...
Perhaps it has something to do with the full moon, which not affects tidal movements, but also tends to attract tragedy, often bringing underlying faults and problems to the fore and purging out excesses in nature...
But why did it have to affect so many unsuspecting lives?
And didn't something like that happen exactly last year on Boxing Day too?
When and where will it strike next?
God/the Universe/Mother Nature/the Earth moves in mysterious ways indeed, but we can only pray that the Divine Source has better plans for all these summoned souls...
[ Feeling... * solemn * ]
[ Listening to... * Michael Jackson-Heal The World * ]

i am 53% scorpio...
posted at 08:21 PM

You are 53% Scorpio

home boy... home pig...
posted at 10:49 PM

Finally, I have kept my promises to myself to spend time at home today...
So, many apologies to my friends' separate offers of dinner, movies and sex (like real!) which I have all rejected...
Well, being alone can help bring many things back into perspective...
This *time-out* is not only for me to do nothing (a luxury I should enjoy more often) but also to realise how much I actually missed all you friends out there, even after only one day, and want your company...
And also, of course, for me to save money...
The only thing I DIDN'T do as planned though, was *housework*...
Sigh, which means now I need another day to pack up my pig sty of a house...
Been spending this entire Monday as if it were a Fridae holidae... mostly online of course, catching up with emails, old pals and new friends...
Also, pondered a while over the sudden earthquake and tidal wave disaster that claimed tens of thousands of lives...
Would I rather leave this world like that, being literally carried off the face of the earth, and anonymous among the statistics and death tolls?
To distract my mind from the sad news, I filled my stomach with snacks... basically pigging out on Pringles, sour gum sweets, Carlsberg beer, and other sinful snacks that I will surely regret tomorrow when I return to the gym...
Anyway, just let me first enjoy today as it is...
[ Feeling... * like a pig * ]

o mi to fo...
posted at 02:17 AM

Today is Lord Amitabha Buddha's birthday, may all love, compassion and blessings of abundance and prosperity be bestowed upon those who are ready to receive them... like me!!!
Wonder why isn't there a public holiday like Christmas which celebrated Jesus Christ's birthday...
Anyway, I received my first blessing in the form of a timely paycheck for my performance in "One Last Dance", which I collected from Jonah at the office cum residence of the admin staff...
After that I went over to the Cali Orchard gym to work on my upper body till I felt sufficiently exercised...
Met up with Brian, a charming lad who was studying Vet Science in Perth, Oz, and is back in town for the holidays...
We had dinner at Cineleisure's foodcourt, where I had the ABC Chicken Soup yet again (never will I tire of it), bumped into Gani and Jaff and their friends, and after a full meal, enjoyed some shopping at Heeren (yes, you've heard it before, but it's still nice to shop there especially with good company...) and had coffee and a nice chat at Spinelli's (you should know which one by now)...
Anyway, I am planning to adopt the bunny which Brian rescued from the Zoo where he worked recently on attachment, which had probably been abandoned at the Zoo's carpark by its past owners...
And I shall call it Bim Bim, to be friends with my future guinea piggy, Bom Bom...
Later, Anders, Liting and Roy came over to join Brian and I at Spinelli's, had a brief intro and chat, then we left Roy there to look for his date, and Brian went off shortly after too...
The rest of us went over to Cineleisure to catch the Japanese movie "Nobody Knows"... it is a very tragic tale of a woman who bore four children by different men, and on her quest to be with her new love, abandoned these very young kids to survive on their own...
For this film, Yuya Yagira, the handsome yet soulful 12 year old boy who played the resourceful eldest son, became the first Japanese, as well as the youngest winner ever, to receive the Best Actor award at Cannes Film Festival...
Hope that one of my (past, present or future) films will get me that award someday too... I wish...
Anyway, as the depressing story of these kids, which was probably based on countless similar tales in society (not least in Japan), unfolds, tears flowed continually among the audience around me, and at the end of the show Liting, Anders and I left the cinema at a loss for words to describe the emotions and sympathy we felt for them...
I am sure no one was left unmoved by this simple and quiet tragedy...
Still feeling lost and emotional, the three of us walked over to the 24hr Coffee Club outlet near Cali gym, and had some potato wedges, drinks as well as eye candy (don't ask)... and had a nice long chat for a couple of hours, before heading towards West Coast Park in Anders' car...
Parked at a lot near the drive-thru McDonald's, we listened and sang our hearts out to songs in Anders' iPod played loudly over the car stereo...
Only to realise later that there were several cars around us that had couples making love in them...
Anders got excited and Liting disgusted, but all were fascinated, me included...
Until Anders got naughty and honked loudly on the car horns, and turned on the high beams on those occupied cars... I am sure we got the couples' attention alright... well, just hope Karma is kind to Anders later on, hehe...
Feeling hungry again, we later drove to Fong Seng Coffee Shop area for Nasi Lemak, and watched the old Taiwanese sob serial drama "Wang Fu Ya" on TV...
It was only about 4.30am that we parted ways to head home individually...
I got my cab easily with the help of the Angels... thank you!!
[ Feeling... * pensive * ]

wishing you were somehow here again...
posted at 03:10 AM

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
by Andrew Lloyd Webber

CHRISTINE
You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye
[ Feeling... * lost * ]
[ Listening to... * Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again * ]

* six degrees of separation...
posted at 03:29 AM

Had a late lunch today with Daniel at my area, then he drove us over to Lavender area for a spot of physical workout... then to Novena...
Later went over to Great World City, where I shopped around and looking at cute bunnies at the Pet Shop while waiting for the cutie, Brian, to join me for dinner and then catch the movie "Phantom of the Opera" (second time for me, with absolutely no regrets!)...
Felt the emotions and tears flowed all over again once the music, lyrics, beautiful scenes and sets engulfed us throughout this classic musical tale...
This time one of the scenes that got my heart was that of Christine visiting her father's grave at the cemetery, singing "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" (see previous entry for lyrics), and also the part where the Phantom, Christine and Raoul were all in the underground cavern, weaving their songs into an emotional and climactic reprise...
After the show, Brian and I popped over The Heeren where we briefly met Bryan and Jonathon who were having dinner at NYDC Cafe...
Then we returned to Cineleisure where Liting, Anders and Justin were having their dinner at Pasta Mania Restaurant... bumped into Gani and Jaff again, with the appearance of the latter getting those guys all excited...
Justin had already begun writing lyrics to the first song in his musical, and asked me to guess which song it was based on...
He couldn't believe how I could just blurt out the only song that has been echoing in my mind since the evening's movie... yes, it's "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" again...
And this is where things get even more complicated...
Brian and I were supposed to meet his couple friends J and R at KBox KTV for a session of singing, but apparently R didn't go after all, and J was waiting for us at Burger King... so Brian went over first to meet J and they adjourned to a nearby Starbucks while I remained with An, LT and Ju for a while...
LT apparently had a bad day at work, and An also paid his bad karma debts today...
I left them as they decided to have ice-cream at Maestro Bistro...
Bumping into Roy and his date Terry, I joined Brian and J over at Starbucks, and then, after a brief intro, realised to all our surprise that J was Ju's ex all along... You should have seen the look in all our three faces...
Finally, by an unforeseen twist of fate, I have met the major character in Ju's scripts and blog entries... Such a coincidence indeed...
How do seemingly unrelated people and events end up being entwined together in the strangest of fashion?
After a short chat, I left Brian and J...
Crossing the road, I bumped into Roy and Terry yet again (what have they been doing at that junction for the past quarter of an hour?!), and followed by An, LT and Ju...
I wasn't sure if I did the right thing, telling Ju the fact that I have met the very person he had been so longing to contact, his ex... but I could do nothing other than laying everything out plainly on the table...
How did I even get involved in this whole chain of events anyway?
Who am I in the scheme of things and what part am I cast in this dramatic play of the Gods?
I choose to be neutral, please...
Back at home, I had a nice long chat with Brian, and both of us marvelled at how small our world actually is... and how our getting to know each other would bring forth connections among other common friends that we never knew existed...
Sigh... somehow these connections had to do with matters of the heart...
Which reminds me that I have my own broken heart to mend too...
But who is going to help me with the repairs?
Can I find someone that I like and likes me back, who is not already attached?
My heart is an open door now, ready for love to enter...
Knock, knock... is anyone listening?
[ Feeling... * confused * ]
[ Listening to... * Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again * ]

i am a true blue scorpio after all... hehe...
posted at 06:02 PM


How Horny Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well well well, what else is new...
Anyway, I may be horny but I am certainly not desperate! LOL
La la la...
[ Feeling... * horny * ]

headaches... 9999... hunger... phone chats...
posted at 06:15 AM

Juju woke me up early in the morning to ask me something which I couldn't give an immediate reply... after that I got a severe migraine and fell asleep again with much difficulty...
It was only at 02.45pm that I woke up again, to find that most of today is already gone...
During those sleeping hours, I dreamed of a big black car with the number plate reading "9999"... What does it mean? Why did I get a migraine again just thinking about it? Strange...
Still nursing a bad headache, I decided today would be another chance to keep myself snugly at home...
Until I realised that the stuff I borrowed from the library are due today...:

1. Tigers Whip (VCD) - Starring uber-babe (then) Andrea De Cruz and uber-hunk David Calig... Crappy local movie about an American porn star losing his manhood and trying to find it in Singapore (har har)... gotta see it to believe it...

2. Panic Room (DVD) - Starring Jodie Foster... Didn't get to see it after all, forgot that I'd even borrowed it...

3. Victor/Victoria (DVD) - Starring Julie Andrews as a girl dressing up as a man dressing up as a drag queen... Lent Justin as a reference for his musical ideas, hope he will return for me today too... I loved it, but Juju found it so-so...

Sigh, after much procrastination, I dragged my feet out of the house and headed for the one place I have been trying to avoid... Orchard Road...
Returned the first 2 items on the list, and managed to grab a couple of novels before leaving...
Decided that since I am already in Orchard and it's still early, I went over to the gym to workout again...
Which was a wise move, as I felt much better with the adrenaline pumping all over... and the migraine was gone!
Popped over to Cineleisure to check out the movie listings, and found none that fit my timing... left emptyhanded...
Then as usual, I enjoyed a cuppa over at Spinelli's... this time choosing two delicious Classic Oatmeal Raisin cookies to dunk into my decaf-coffee...
Bumped into Nathaniel and his friend, as well as several other friends there...
Later Jeremy who was shopping at The Heeren came over to join me and had a chat...
And all of a sudden, I had a huge craving for my favourite Oyster Omelette...
So Jeremy and I went over to several food courts and the Food Street in search of this drool-inducing dish... only to be disappointed... either they don't sell it, or the queue was simply too long...
We parted ways and when I reached my area, I finally got my O.O. fix at the only hawker stall that sells it... yum yum yum!!!
Brian called when I got home and we had a nice long phone chat...
In view of a recent situation, both of us are pretty determined not to be involved and to keep ourselves neutral to the circumstances...
We also made plans to catch W!ld Rice's latest pantomine, "Aladdin", next weekend or on one of the weekdays... I will try to get further discounts thru ASA...
After Brian got off the phone, Liting called and together with Anders, Dex and Roy, we had a mass phone orgy... oops, conference call...
But it was a bit hard to hear when everyone started talking, and also kept going around in circles and got off topic... LOL
Anyway, while they planned to have a countdown together at West Coast Park, I stuck to my decision to stay at home for the later part of New Year's Eve tomorrow night, and have a quiet countdown...
After that, Chris called and we too had a nice long chat... found so many things in common... ancestors and hometowns, our love for graphic design and illustrations, explained our nicks, talked about Mermen and Owls, past lives, etc...
We ended the conversation when we discovered that it was almost dawn... and I should really get back in bed...
[ Feeling... * hungry again * ]

goodbye to uh-oh for...
posted at 11:05 PM

Enjoyed a pleasant peaceful sleep amidst the cool breeze and gentle rain entering my open windows...
Just wondering if the breeze and rain are residues of the recent terrible tantrum that Mother Nature played upon us...
Had a chat on the phone with Brian before heading over to Great World City to meet Jeremy for lunch at KFC followed by the movie "Meet The Fockers"...
This hilarious film had us in stitches right from the beginning and kept us entertained throughout with ridiculous antics by the stellar cast that included Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Barbra Streisand, Dustin Hoffman etc...
It was perhaps a good and timely antidote for all the recent negativity clouding our lives, be it natural disasters or personal losses...
After the show, we had a drink at McCafe, then I wished Liting's mum and her colleague Happy New Year at their stall...
Shopped around a bit and was tempted to get some stuff from Zara... not only for myself, but for someone who indicated interest in an item there... Dunno if it's appropriate though...
Anyway, bumped into Henry and his friends at Zara too... small world in Great World City...
Had a brainwave and decided to shop at Cold Storage for some groceries to keep me occupied tonight over the countdown...
My shopping list included:
bread... ham... butter... tomatoes... milk... Honey Stars cereal with Jack Jack toy... instant cup noodles... jolly shandy... etc...
Then Jeremy left to meet his own friends and I headed home...
Spent time getting my PC in order, clearing emails and sending out Happy 2005 messages...
Almost bought a cheap set of oven+kettle+coffee maker at 7-11 but thankfully I didn't...
Repaired a couple of ceiling lamps and did my laundry...
Well, there's still plenty to pack up in the house... that will have to happen bit by bit, but I am tired of living in a sty...
2005 will see a new me, a new flat, a new love, a new career break, a new life!!!
GOODBYE and GOOD RIDDANCE, 2004!!!!!!
[ Feeling... * homely * ]